My Thoughts on Motherhood Lately

Since I can't jump anymore I sit in the middle of the tramp while the boys jump around me. They think it's great fun.

I feel like a big ball of emotions right now. 

I'm frustrated because I can't do the things I usually do with my kids. I can't wrestle, chase, jump or even cuddle. I push them away when they get remotely near my stomach. I'm tired, snappy, and I just hurt. I'm not me. To say I have mom guilt would be an understatement.

It's challenging, exhausting, but fun to have my kids this close in age. It's nice to have all the little people stage at once, but I feel like I'm constantly trying to take in every moment (which is exhausting) because they will all be grown up and out of the house around the same time. I hope they will have a close relationship with each other. I just don't want them to grow up and yet the older they get the more fun they are. They are at the funnest ages right now. Jax is still my baby and since June is coming I've kind of had to force him to grow up quicker. He's handling it better than I am.

Carter and Jaxon are now sharing a room. Jax actually sleeps in his own bed now and the transition was so much easier than I thought. It was me that was coddling him! Go figure. As I was putting them to sleep tonight my eyes were filling up with tears. They are so beautiful. Every day Heavenly Father lets me have these magical moments with my kids that make all my hurts and guilt go away. Today I was singing Christmas songs while baking cookies and Carter said, "Mom, sing the song about Christmas lights." I said, "Umm, how about you sing it to me? I'm not sure I know that song." For the next 5 minutes he serenaded me with a made up song about Christmas lights on houses and trees. Yep, he is definitely my kid. Then after dinner he was telling me a Christmas story about Santa, Rudolf, the Polar Express, and the Grinch. He rolled all the stories into one in a very creative way! I was impressed! I love his young mind full of innocence and imagination.

Then Jaxon always makes me stop what I'm doing to hug him throughout the day. He'll reach up his hands and say, "Come here, mom." Then he holds my face and puts his forehead against mine. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful, wonderful person in the world. I wish everyone on this earth could experience that kind of unconditional love.

I'm nervous to have another baby. I have to push another baby out again?! Good thing God made it so we want them out no matter what it takes by the end of pregnancy. I'm also nervous about having a newborn. I tend to get baby blues for a couple months (with Carter a lot longer.) They're so hard and I already have a hard time keeping up with the two kids I already have. But I do feel confident that I'll be able to handle everything better this time because I know more or less what to expect. Or not to expect anything, really ;)

With all that's going on in the world right now I'm glad these are my worries. I have a beautiful family, a home in a wonderful community, food on the table, good health, a car, a small job, (Did I mention I teach violin to 3 students? They are so awesome I love it) and good friends. We truly live a blessed life.