BRCA2 and Start of School

A couple weeks ago I had written a few paragraphs of how much I hate cancer. It was bitter and angry so I ended up deleting it. Most of the time I'm pretty positive and upbeat, but I definitely have my moments when I feel beat down and lonely especially on chemo weeks. There are so many reasons for me to be angry and sad, but I don't wish to focus on that. I will say that each round of chemo gets harder and harder. Not just physically, but mentally. Going into this I had no idea how hard of an emotional battle cancer is. It's hard to be this level of sick so much. Don asked me what chemo was like and I told him I feel like I'm knocking on death's door for a few days then it gradually gets better everyday only to get slammed with another round. I don't know how people do this without help. I cannot express how grateful I am for our amazing support system. We have meals brought to us, our kids taken care of, our house cleaned, financial donations, and endless texts, messages, calls, and cards. I often feel overwhelmed by the generosity and outpour of love from friends and family. My burden has been lifted so incredibly much being surrounded by amazing people.
I am officially halfway done with chemo! We stayed the night at our friend's house in Mesa because my chemo appointment was early in the morning. My sweet friend, Caraline had brownies and ice cream to celebrate. She even had me blow out candles while everyone sang, "Happy Chemo Day." The next four rounds after this I'll be getting Taxol. The treatments will take twice as long as it is a lot stronger medicine, but I shouldn't get as nauseas (crossing my fingers!) This is the medicine that will make me lose my nails, make my immune system even weaker, risk of neuropathy, etc. I'm nervous, but ready to get it over with. I want so bad to be done with this! I feel like if I can get through chemo I can get through anything! My in laws are so generous to take our kids the weeks I get chemo. It's hard for me to not be able to have them around, but when they're here I realize my body is just too weak to keep up with them. I know it's silly, but I have major mom guilt right now! I long for the days I can do things for them and play with them again.
I meet with my oncologist before every chemo. He checks my blood levels and goes over symptoms and questions I may have. Two months ago I took a test to determine if my cancer is hereditary. It took two seconds to spit in a tube and two months to get the results. I ended up testing positive for the BRCA2 gene. I'm grateful to have answers. Having cancer will make you really paranoid when you don't know why you have it. I kept thinking, "Is it my environment? The food I eat? My deodorant? That one time I put my phone in my bra?" Now I know it's genetic and out of my control. I snuck a peak at my results on the computer before Dr. Dahria sat down to tell us the news. Having the BRCA gene means I have a higher risk (60%) of developing breast or ovarian cancer than the average woman (12%). He said it doesn't change my chemo, but it does change my surgery. I will be getting a double mastectomy and my ovaries removed later to reduce the risk of getting a secondary cancer. Having the BRCA2 gene also increases the risk of other cancers like pancreatic and skin cancer (only a 2% risk.) I will be meeting with a genetic counselor to get more details. It's a 50% chance my siblings and children have the same gene so they will all be tested. It makes me sick to even think of having to watch any of them have to go through this. Hearing the news was overwhelming and I tried to fight back the tears as I was getting chemo in a room full of other patients. I'm scared. Will I have to go through this again? Will I see my family go through this? What if I don't live very long? What if? What if? What if?
It has made me think an awful lot about life and death. Why do I fear death? Why do we all think we're invincible when our lives could be taken at any minute? Am I able to fully accept Heavenly Father's plan for me?
Everyday I question why I have to go through this. I know I won't fully understand until it's all over. Sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror at my bald head. Sometimes it's hard to have conversations with people because cancer has overtaken my life. I miss my old everyday problems that I thought were problems. One thing I have learned for sure is my time is precious and my relationships with people are the greatest treasures I have!

Let's reminisce about the last days of summer...

I live for my off weeks when I feel good! Little piggy finishing off everyone's food on the table

Playing in the mud after all the rain we've had

First day of Kindergarten for Carter! He could hardly sleep he was so excited. He had been counting down the days till he started school. As he was leaving for school he made sure to line Don out to take out the trash and look after Jaxon while he was gone. I thought I'd be sad about my baby going to school, but I'm really just so excited for him. He's more than ready and will move mountains!