Taxol

My first round of Taxol was a doozy. I'm not sure if it was worse than the AC, just different. I didn't get nauseous or heavy feeling so that was a relief, but I did have muscle and bone aches. The worst part was I developed neuropathy in my feet and right hand. It was the worst pain I have ever felt and I've had natural birth! For 4 days I had shooting pains down my legs and into my feet. It felt like I was being stabbed in the feet with thousands of needles. I could hardly walk. The pain let up day after day. I had numb spots in my feet and my body felt weak, but no pain. Luckily, this round my doctor lowered my dose by 20%. I still have neuropathy, but no where near as bad as the first round of taxol. My tumor has shrunk to half of its original size! My doctor seemed excited. As chemo continues on I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. In my head I feel fine, but when I try to do anything I'm reminded of the drugs in my body. It's amazing the beatings our bodies can take! I can't believe I only have 2 more rounds left. I cry happy tears every time I think about it. The thing that sucks is that this is only the beginning of my treatment journey. I still have a long way to go. I know a year from now this will all be a memory, but right now it seems like an eternity.
Don wasn't able to come with me to my last infusion because he came down with a cold. My friend Rachel came with me and we made a day out of it. We played cards, chatted with the nurses, and went out to eat afterwards. It was so fun. Rachel got to meet one of my chemo friends too. I've been able to meet some amazing people with incredible stories throughout this process. This "chemo friend" of mine has a crazy story. We recognized each other at our last infusion and figured out we have chemo on the same days and are on the same number of treatment. This woman has stomach cancer and was rushed into treatment in just the knick of time. She had been throwing up quite a bit for weeks. She went to her primary doctor who said nothing was wrong. She ended up seeing a specialist who told her she would have only lived for maybe another week or two if she hadn't come in and started treatment right away. They've given her a year to live now. This lady has children and grandchildren and a really good attitude. I'm impressed by her every time I talk to her.
When I meet people with stage 4 cancer or people who've had family members die I almost feel a sense of guilt. Why do I get to live when these people suffer? And of course I think negatively to myself, "What makes you think you're going to live through this?" I recently read an article about faith that answered questions I've been having. It was about a man that had been diagnosed with cancer who asked Elder Bednar for a blessing. Before he was given a blessing Elder Bednar asked him if he had the faith not to be healed. "If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?" Faith is knowing the mountain CAN be moved not that it WILL be moved. I've been taught about faith all my life and I've always known I have faith, but now it's really being put to the test. As much as I hate cancer I'm grateful Heavenly Father thinks I'm ready for this challenge. If I truly believe in Heavenly Father, that he is omniscient and knows my future then I should have faith in my outcome whatever it may be.