Thursday was a bad day. Carter had been whiny and his nose started to run. He ran a slight fever that night and he wouldn't sleep so he slept with me. I think I only slept for 3 hours. He woke up early and I was a zombie. When it was time for his morning nap, I couldn't settle him down. He screamed and I got so frustrated, I didn't know what to do. I was tired, grouchy and I balled. When I cried he stopped crying and stared at me. When I looked at his big watered eyes I felt horrible. I thought, "I am so selfish. How can I get mad at this perfect little baby? He doesn't know how to communicate other than to cry."
It's days (and nights) like those that sometimes I feel am I missing something? Everyone seems so happy to be first time moms. Is this who I am now? A woman who's a hermit in her house, taking care of kids all day? I love my baby more than anything in the world, but man I wasn't prepared for this. This is hard work. I have never felt so physically and emotionally exhausted.
This morning I read an article that really hit the heart. It's called, "To a Mother With Only One Child" by Simcha Fisher. She is a mother of 9 and is telling first time moms that it's a lot easier with 9 than just 1. This is what made me feel so much better. She says, " When I had only one child, I told myself over and over that motherhood was fulfilling and sanctifying and was filling my heart to the brim with peace and satisfaction. And so i felt horribly guilty for being so bored, so resentful, so exhausted. This is a joyful time, dammit! I should enjoy being suddenly transformed into the Doyenne of Anything that Smells Bad." She also goes on to say,
"Dear mother of only one child, don't blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard. You're suffering now because you're turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left...don't worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong-it means you're doing it right."
Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who understands. He comes home from work and tells me to go have some "me" time. So I go for a run. This is why I'm running a half marathon in May. Not only to get back into shape, but I want to accomplish something for myself. (And to kick my dad's butt...you know, quality family time ;)
4 comments:
Lauren, you are so so right. Being a mom is HARD work. Especially when we are just learning how to be a mom. It is easy to pretend that life is picture perfect, but really, I think that all moms have days just like you explained- those days where you just feel so tired and frustrated and lonely and confused at why being a mom doesn't seem to be what you thought it would be! Haha, yesterday was especially like that for me. And then I found this talk- "One Thing Needful: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ" by Patricia Holland. That was the reminder that I needed right then that it's all going to be okay. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels that way sometimes :) Sorry this is so long! Thanks for sharing your experience, you're not alone!
No, Lauren, you're NOT alone! Being a mother is a helluva ride. Anyone who tells you to "enjoy every moment" has forgotten the rough nights and frustrating trips to the store. It is so HARD not to be totally your own anymore. But I think that's what makes us so cool. :) We moms are better people for it. But it does get easier! With a couple of bad days/weeks thrown in, of course. (I remember writing a few posts kinda like this.) And with Don beginning school, it's going to be a big adjustment for the entire family. Hang in there! I'm glad you've found a hobby and that you are doing something for yourself. Call me if you need to vent! Just last week I threatened to put Jed in daycare. haha
PS Check out Rachel's blog. There's a link to an article you might like a few posts back.
I know exactly what you are talking about. That time when we lived in Scottsdale with almost no friends and I spent all day every day home with a baby was a REALLY hard time in my life. I loved my baby, but I was so depressed. Looking back though, I see that that was just a phase that I had to go through. I was talking to another mom this week who is pregnant with her second child. She was saying that it must be so hard for me with three. I explained to her that it is really hard and overwhelming to have three kids, but it is really different than having only one baby. Having 3 kids is mostly physically demanding - there is always something to do every second of the day. Having only one baby though is very mentally and emotionally taxing - Am I doing everything right? Who am I? Is this what my life is now?. Honestly, my house was cleaner and my child was attended to a lot better when I only had one kid, but I am able to enjoy life a lot more fully now that I have moved past that stage. Good luck! If you ever have a hard day feel free to stop by and we can go eat ice cream!
Post a Comment